Just promise me you'll think of me everytime you look up in the sky and see a star.

Yet again.

Double Identity

Baby you walked away from something so great. Can you see through these tears that holds nothing but pain and sorrow?

You told me through a text, telling me you wanted to start your life anew, said you had to leave and start your life over. I said "don't leave, please stay". We don't need money, we can make it work, just you and me. Ignorantly, you turned your back towards me, blinded by hatred and anger, too blind to see my legs gave up on me, kneeling on the floor, face buried in my hands, crying my heart out. My tears became meaningless to you. But the tears you shed was still precious in my eyes.

I stayed up, anticipating, waiting, but you were out, chasing paper.
Baby, you went out all night, but it was alright. I told you I will be by your side, whether you fail or fly.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died, I'm only half alive.
Miss seeing you in your blue jeans, white shirt, a James Dean for sure. But can something that is already dead be resurrected?

Our love is stale, flies hovering, expired. You only saw your pain, thoughtless of anyone else's feelings.
Everything is according to your plan. You've executed it beautifully.You never had the chance to feel a sense of loneliness, when the darkness of the night creeps into your spine.
I close my eyes every night, hoping everything will be alright when dawn arrives.
You didn't see my suffering, no one saw, as I was all alone, far away from home. Nothing could be done to bring two bulls back together. It is embedded in me, a scar so deep, that I pray everynight for some angel to come to my direction to heal it.

You said "don't be negative". I wish. How can one be positive, when the only one hurting is me?

Changes? Changes...

Never thought I'd be blogging from where I'm blogging now. Things seem to change for the better, I hope. I'm not so much of a perfectionist, but it does gets on my nerves when things are not working in the order I want them to be. I'd do anything to get them back on track. And this is my weak point. I'm bad at adapting. Once I get comfortable or used to something, I tend to stick with it for a while. Forever if possible. But as for this time, I'm kinda forced to change. Change of environment, change of lifestyle, change of my daily routine. It gets me crazy for the first few days. My head was nothing but full of negative thoughts running through my mind the whole day. I thought that this sudden change would be nothing but detrimental. Nothing but difficult. Nothing but hurtful. I'm still adapting and I think things got pretty much better than it was before. I'm not expecting anything good to happen after this. I'm just accepting what that is to come with open hands and heart. Never would it cross my mind in a million years that you would usher me to a corner. It hurts me even now. When I come to think of it now, I really don't want to put myself through that pain anymore. I was scared to talk to you, afraid of being hurled offensive words to me again and all I can do is to drown my room, alone. I think it should be enough to wake me up from this delusion I'm in all these while. Its not much of a fairy tale ending after all. Thinking of it still brings tears to my eyes, but I have to learn. Attitude wise, I may not be comparable to her, but feelings wise, I don't think there's anyone ahead of me. But thats all good now. Life without you...sounds awesome? My fingers are definitely crossed. Wish me luck. I'll see you around.

Boring

Current update of me: None. Nothing but lazing around at home, being an eye sore to my parents for doing nothing with my holidays, constant and continuous nagging from my parents to get my CV done, so on and so forth. Sister will be heading back to KL tomorrow which is bad news for me that I'll be all alone again enjoying the undivided attention from my parents. But on a brighter note, there will be mass amount of shopping thank you very much which wavers my concentration pretty much. KC never understands me, how I grin from ear to ear when I gaze into those shopping bags, how I grin even wider when I pull out that beautiful piece of cloth from its package mesmerizing its wonderful material is, how it fits me like a glove with its sheer material flowing down from my skin and... *slaps self*. Back to reality =.=

Currently reading a novel and I weirdly fell for a character in it. He's described as a rich playboy sort of guy, which he eventually falls for a mother with a child that performs miracles and how they have to hide their relationship for several reasons. What an adventure!! But I wouldn't want to be caught up in these situations if you ask me. It must be a hell of a time going through this underground relationship thingy. But what alternatives do we have if situations commands so?

That's all for now. Shall blog more if I feel the need of it to kill my boredom.

Insomnia

It's 3.45 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. yes. I've finally given in to insomnia. Or maybe it's just the jetlag that I'm not over with. I've realised this for quite sometime, that my brain never seizes to work. I'm not saying that I'm making full use of my brain for studying purposes, but it never seems to shut. I think unnecessary stuff and it irritates me so much so that I get headaches. Wonderful isn't it? I could say that I'm having a mixture of feelings. I can't really make up what feelings are those baffling inside me, but I'm pretty sure it's not something pleasant. Did I cross the line too far this time without even me realising? I'm afraid so, but I didn't mean any harm, really. I could get really enthuist at things at times when I get and hit the right momentum and I tend to be drifted really far, I need a rope to pull me back before anything worse could happen. Sometimes, words are as sharp as spears. Words that comes out from your mouth without the filtration of your brain hurts even more perhaps. Maybe the momentum really gets me going. But afterall, I don't mean to upset you even more. I apologize for my foolish words.

Moving on, if you don't already know, I'm back from my London trip. Physically and mentally drained, but, in a good way. I'm not much of a travelling person, or so they say, but I enjoyed my trip overall. Going there for a vacation for a couple of weeks is enjoyable, but staying for 9 whole months to study is a different story. Mum thinks I'm not capable of adapting to the whole environment thingy seeing that I'm there all alone without anyone AT ALL. I hate to break it but I agree with my mum without contest this time. I really don't think I could survive myself there. I have never been thrown into a sea to fish on my own ever. Being the youngest in the family, my parents are wayyyy more pretoective over me compared to my sister, and no doubt, as clearly portrayed, I am indeed more vulnerable than my sis. My mum and dad are always by my side since birth, and if they're away from me, they put my sister as a substitute to babysit me and amke sure of my well being, and when my sis leave for UK 9 months back, KC was next in line to watch over me. But what happens if I'm in UK?? Without mum and dad? Without my sassy sister? Without fat KC? I'm so doommmed. Seriously, I couldn't picture myself being there all alone despite the fact that I don't make friends pretty well and trust me, I'm a lousy conversation starter. Oh my...I think this finally shows. My sister's the more academic and independant type, and I'm always given the title "shopaholic", "vein", "vulnerable" hmph.

I kid you not, I would really cry my way home. As I'm famous for doing so amongst KC and my parents teehee.

Ending this post abruptly as I am in desperate need to sleep now.

Nights world. =)

Hello UK

Currently blogging in the hotel in UK. It's 5.05pm here and I'm still having jetlags. Don't blame me, but it only gets dark on 10pm, and the sun streaming in, lets say, 3am? Needless to say, it's summer here and trust me, the weather is no better than in Malaysia. Morning is exceptional, though. Waking up to walk out of the door to have a gust of cool wind rush through your face freshens you up for the day, and that is the best part of the day.

It was pretty fun. It isn't my first time here, but kc's following this time around which explains the adrenalin rush. Since day 1 upon arrival, I've been spending all day and night shopping. My feet knows no pain while I'm in the shopping mode, but the after math was tragic. I would just lie on the hotel bed til I'm sleepy, and I'll sleep. Times this routine by 3, and that's what I did for 3 consecutive days in London. Obviously, kc was a little put off by this whole shopping plan thingy, but, you know, girls =). Not to forget the pleasant present KC got me. I love it to bits though I know it puts a hole in your wallet haha, but I really appreciate it with every ounce of me. Love you dearly baby.

Don't really know what's up for tomorrow but I smell tonnes of walking, which spells B-A-D. I was never catered for walking. My body frame, my toothpick-ed legs, my low stamina and my tendency to stay under shady oak trees are all for indoor purposes, but my sister, who couldn't careless, sprints her way through every road giving me an extremely hard time catching up with her pace. I hope tomorrow's weather would be friendly. Not the scorching sun, but something breezy or cooling, perfect condition for a stroll around the town.

On another note, results are out TOMORROW!!! It kills me and my trip. I don't want to be upset on my trip here. It's not what I'm ready to face. Everyone's being cynical now except for those erm...outcast which have a brain capacity of Einstein. Do wish me luck. I hope I don't have to look forward for August, but September =)) That's all for now. Photo's will be uploaded the moment.........the laziness in me dies off =))

Flash Backs

Yesterday was hectic I would say. My eye laid wide open up til 5 in the morning and I have these flashbacks of what happened between me and someone so close to me not too long ago which, to my notice, brought tears to my eyes.
That someone was my closest friend ever which I've known for practically my whole life. We've been through every ups and downs of life together ever since we were a child and for all you know, she is someone I look up to as a role model. Someone whom I wish to follow her footsteps, someone which have all the criteria of being a good child or a student, to me at least. Though I was pretty much living under her shadow of success, I didn't really mind, in fact, I was proud even. We've had some bad times where arguments never fail to come and go, but it never last for more than a day, thats a guarentee. We never carry our anger and vengence to the next day, in fact, it will all be forgotten within a couple of hours. However, things started changing a few years back. Something happened and this bright and striking role model figure of her was suddenly blurred to merely shades which can't even make it up. Arguments that we had last time that never lasted a day, now lasted for months. Our conversation was somewhat awkward. Though we never speak about it to each other, but we know, that there's something inside us which the both of us refuses acknowledge it. This something had slowly become an issue to me and I started building barriers from almost everyone. It soured to a point where I would just turn on a total- ignore mode, minding my own business. My answers are just a plain yes or no, nothing more, nothing less. Things has gone way out of hand after months of enduring situations like this and finally, she spoke up trying to loosen the tension around us, but, foolishly, I refused. I did not want to talk to her because I was so shallow at that point in time to be against her when she needed my support the most. I could even remember, I pretty much ruined her birthday by making her cry. She came back all the way from her birthday dinner just so she could settle everything with me once more, but I hold up my guards and turn my back against her. I didn't even wished her a simple Happy Birthday.
Till one day, it was either a "do or die" day. None of us could tolerate this tense situation anymore, hence, she resorted to my parents. They tried to talk things out with us, but being as stubborn as I am, I literally ran out from the house, trying to avoid everything that was about to come. This rage in me was really eating me inside out. Things didn't get settled as wished, and yet again, it went on until up to one day, I was thinking the whole day about my foolish attitude towards someone I care for so much. Why would I want to hurt someone that I held so closely to me? Why would I want to hurt someone that I love equally with my parents? I finally let down my guard and apologized. A simple sorry from me made everything turn to a brighter view. I realised that during that point in time, I was not suppose to go against her no matter how much I hated it, but to stand by her side, cause I'm the only one she has, and she's the only one I have.
Now, we're closer than ever. I opened up so much to her and whenever I'm sad, she never fails to bring her little Donut to cheer me up knowing that I have this dog fetish. She is now going to be a lawyer graduate and still someone I look up to, forever and always, because she's my one and only SISTER.

Life's been a little hectic lately and yes I might be exaggerating a little but I do feel that life had sucked out the GLLLOOOWWWW in me. =D Classes are crazy as per usual and my finals is just lurking around the corner which explains the hectic life. Will be enduring and enjoying it at the same time. =)

On another note, despite the hectic-ness, happiness has also invaded my life recently. I would be lying if I were to say I never give a thought about it anymore. Every now and then, my thoughts do sway back to the past giving me a tinge of uncomfortable feeling but I've learned to accept it with grace. In fact, I felt redundant trying to fight the thought of it. Much patience and perseverance draws us one step closer to the Big TWO and I feel nothing but happy and glad about us and I hope this feeling will last forever and always.

I love you at hello, and I'll love you at goodbye.

Boringggg

I hate moments like this. In the gloomy evening, seems like it's going to rain but it's not, where everyone is packing their bags leaving for home while I'm stuck here with nowhere to go. Oh well, this might just be a training ground for me for my level of tolerance ANNNDDD perseverance. =) Call me cynical but everyone would share the same feelings as I do now if they were so blessed to be situated in my position now. I hope everything would brighten up a bit when I get home...some cupcakes maybe? Mind my addiction for cupcakes but they are just to deliciously addictive. What's more, they look as cute as can be. Now how do you resist THAT?

I'm sorry for the lack of photos here as I intelligently lost my camera's charger, hence, no camera to use and also conveniently lost my phone's USB cable, hence, no medium to transfer photos from phone to comp. =( Give me some time ok? I'll get things done real soon as I desperately need both of them.

I can't wait to go back home for Chinese New Year!! Somehow I just have this good feeling about it and the anticipation kills. I have to pull through one more week of classes and I'm over and done with...........for now. Lots of new clothes, lots of new shoes, lots of cookies, and lots of ANG PAUSS!! Just the thought of it is enough to drain all your motivation of studying away and just wait quietly for it to come. =D Shall go back home, have my dinner, shower, study, and maybe tv and I'll call it a day. A pathetic one may I add.

Till then! =)

Confession

After days and days of tears and a roller coaster of emotions, I've finally settled down nicely in front of my laptop, with a cup of hot milo sitting soundly on the table. I've calmed myself down after lodging much verbal complaints to my fellow friends and of course my dearest sis and I've learn to believe whatever kc says. This whole experience opened up my eyes, relationship wise and friendship wises and I don't think it would be easy for me to forget everything and live life like the way I do. Moving on's a must, but this is a lesson I've learned for life that I will always bear in mind to have barriers with certain people. Stop proving yourself. I don't want to know and I don't want to know how many guys actually likes you and stuff. You think I'll believe or even listen? Seriously I think its a whole lot of crap. All I want now is to start afresh with my bf and I hope YOU won't be interrupting that every now and then. Keep your hands to yourself, not to people's boyfriend. Especially to someone whom you're pretty close with before.

I can't forgive and forget. I can do it with kc, but not with anyone else. This incident is caused by your own hands, causing me to loose a friend.

Why so far?

Sorry for the extremely long hiatus. I'm just too lazy to run my fingers on the lappie's keyboard. Kinda reminds me of those assignment days. Well, basically my update today will be about my one and only sister which already left us for UK. =( I didn't really felt the twitch until the day after she flew, when I woke up realising that she's already in another country with a totally different time zone. Its just complicate things now and it IS hard to communicate seeing that Malaysia is actually 8 hours faster than UK. Somehow I just felt depress about it. I hope she's happy there and hopefully she knows that whoever she misses here, misses her too, well that includes MUA, daddie, mummie, kenrick, nicky, and little donut (the uber cute toy poodle of hers and kenrick). No more sister for me to call when I'm having troubles, no more sister as a shopping companion, no more sister to nag the shit out of me to clean up my side of the room, no more sister to share my juicy secrets and sorrow. Can you just imagine that? Its like I've been seeing my sister's face practically everyday since I was born, or maybe since I learned how to see. I feel like I'm the only child now that my sister is halfway across the world and I enjoy the attention from my parents :D Ironically speaking.

Here are some pictures mainly just to inject some life into this dying blog (dead blog).

Mummie's little girls

miss you much.

SISTER!!! I MISS YOU!! WE MISS YOU!!!

Owh and on another note, thank you baby for the pressie. Really appreciate it. It made my day. Love you kc

Insanely Insane

I'm in a bad mood now. I feel like throwing anything that I come across physically. But, I couldn't do so without looking like a barbaric bitch, hence, the suppression. :D I'm uber depressed with my classes and convineintly, tomorrow I'll be having my 8am to 4pm again. Being in the last hour of lecture really reminds me of Ms. Ong. Can't survive withouht a toothpick to pry my eyes open. And on top of that, I have to wait around 30 minutes or so for my, well, chauffer to arrive. Suicidal.com. I would much prefer to refer him as a chauffer now or maybe ah mat because he only drives me around, and nothing else. No talking, no conversations especially when we reach home O.o. Suicidal act no.2. I have to study everytime I reach home or else I'll be the slacking ones, or maybe the ONLY one slacking behind despite the number of smarty pants I have in my class. Styudying without conversing, suicidal act no.3. No more supper. Studying and having ridiculously long hour of classes is just plain tiring and it's beyond comprehension. What more if you can't fill your stomach in the middle of the night BECCAAAUUUSSSEEE...someone doesn't wants to go out late, just incase he got attacked, tired, tomorrow have to wake up early bla bla bla.. Teach me how to put up with these situations!!! It's really driving me nuts!!! I can't live in situation like this...FOR NUTS!!!!! Dear Lord, do point me in the right direction as I deeply need your guidence.

WAAAAAAIIIITTTTT!!!! Walau...everything also must wait meh? Can die lo. After class wait, come back home wait, want to makan wait!!!! Excuse my language but WHAT THE FUCK????!!!!

I'm in between classes right now and I have nothing to do because my dear soulmate Vivienne Chin is absent for tutorials!! Abandning me alone in class to rot.

I'm baffled between love and hatred. But things improved comparatively. I'm pretty happy about it but this fake smile that i have to put every now and then won't envolope me for long. I'm trying my best to bring out the best of me and I hope I'll get to at least pull something off. Sitting in my room without any apparent movement brings me back to the old days. Hearing the clock ticking to clearly that makes each and every second counts and it feels like a year to hear 60 ticks. Oh my..guess I'll be turning in to bed after my 10am class or should I opt to visit the library? *silence* Ok maybe I should just have a nap first :D

Off to class now.

Smile and You'll be Fine.

SMIIIILLLLEEEEE!!!! Thats apparently the best antidote.

I have tonnes of things to complain and sadly, I can't complain it verbally at the moment, so, i shall blog.

My timing is all upside down. I sleep during the day, and wake up during the night. Why? I'm acting like I'm already having my holidays. This is soooo not good. How am I going to wake up for my 8am papers? I'll be either skipping the whole paper (not a good option) or I'll turn up for my exams like a ghost that has just been shredded on its way the the exam hall.

Next, is my face seems to be a breeding ground for pimples. Why? Because of my upside down timng? And I tend to look 10 years older. My skin is so saggy that I happen to look like Droopey and Droople.

Put the blame on EXAMS!!! Causing me to have a ghost face. Wth?!

Janey Fongy is finally over and done with her exams and yes, I will most likely to be going out with her A LOT!!! Babi syok giler la you Jane!

p.s study study study and stop thinking!!

p.p.s corgi puppies are uber cute. ME want one!!!

I'm super hungry. When will my food come??

I just browsed through my e-mails and found out about this:

I want to CRY ALREADY!!! Omg...if i happen to see this dog, by the name of Faith on the street, I would rush to him and hug him til i can almost squeeze him to death! Well, he really inpires me. A dog with only two hind legs and yet, he live his life to the fullest regardless of his disabilities. He still does what all normal dog does. We, people on the other hand get so upset over a small matters and we whine and complain about pratically everything around us.
I pormised myself to be more mature when it comes to handling situations that come accross. Perseverance :D

Ok back to Faith. He is just one miraculous dog. I'm impressed with his determination to only walk on two legs, despite the fact that his eating, and sleeping style will be affected. How I wish I could be as determined as him. Appreciating every single bit of his life.
Perhaps we, I will feel much better if I change my point of view to see things from another direction. No more anger, no more hatred. Learning how to put everything behind.

To my dear sister, I'm perfectly fine. Don't have to worry so much about me. Let me try to handle my own mess now.

I'll always appreciate everything you've done for me. You're still one close friend of mine

Till then. Time to eat now. My kaki has finally arrived.

Back Again

My apologies for what had happen to my blog. Due to some reasons, had to delete my posts=D. I'm vcurrently in Kuantan and everything is good. It looks good, it feels good until my assignments came into pictre. They just have to spoil my holidays don't they? I'm stuck with shitloads of assignments again! Is my life all about assignments? I hate datelines. I really do. Struggling my way through another "assignment perioud".

Okay. Back to the war. May God bless me.

Til then.